Trying to get back to work – day is mostly consumed by health care

I need to make something clear to everyone out there.  I have been coping with Obamacare since October – I was *very pissed* when I learned that my insurance wasn’t the right kind – I’d developed a health care solution for my family, it was appropriate and cost effective.  In the confusion and aftermath I continue to be embroiled in bureaucratic hell.  This means that often, when I try to do my day job, my subconscious will keep hammering away at trying to get me to deal with the intrusion into my life and the squelching of my rights of individual sovereignty, and my ability to provide health insurance to my family in a manner that is appropriate to our unique situation.  More than that, it has been the exceptional, gross, and unforgivable incompetence and deception – and just plane ignorance – of our government agencies, legislators, and executives – that has raked me through the coals.

When I drive down the street, I see a nightmare of a society poised to get me – I just came back from my trip downtown, to drop my daughter off so I could help her break the law and see an R rated movie with my blessing, but not my participation (she’s a non-american 14, which means that her maturity level is far beyond the age-equivalent).  Driving back, out of the downtown, on this sunny Portland day, was an exercise in fear and hell.

Imagine hellish hallucinations – a sort of Steadman style – the escape from the downtown was it’s usual fear of persecution.  I drove by a police car and winced – was he following me?  Did I do something wrong?  I know I probably am, but does *he* know that.  Will I make a mistake because I’m concentrating on the traffic and pedestrians and not noticing some complex markings on the roadway?  How can I be sure – it’s an anxiety attack, driven by one and only one fear – engagement with the overbearing ogre of america, ticking off the wardens and guards of my prison.

I climb out of the downtown onto the network of asphalt strips, overly trimmed and landscaped gardens giving a nod to the faux-forest aesthetic of this region.  These people don’t know shit about living with nature, but they certainly believe they do.  I drive the arterials out to a strip mall nestled amidst the gardens and outrageous homes and park my car.  My heart is beating fast, my blood pressure skyrocketed, my sense of raw, untempered psychological fear – it is a trauma, to me – to drive down these roads.

The hallucinations are not perceptual, they are cognitive and drive into my affect.  I do not literally see the leering essence of the buildings, the bus stops, the signage, the traffic control, the routing of life, the separation of individuals – rather, I feel it as the remnants of a sort of divide and conquer, the people a pulsing mass devoid of individuality – they are americans, fused by a collective and re-enforced delusion about their freedom, governed effectively by a system of laws with self-replicating complexity.  They are human-animals taken over by a giant tumor of thought, a very clean version of a zombie horror – one where the decaying flesh takes on the style of an alec baldwin haircut and the infrastructure destruction is replaced by a hyper-landscaping fetish.

To me, it is the cognitive, affective background that creates the hell.  It drives rants – and if I am distracted by something like driving, my subconscious will start playing and developing those rants – and it will be fueled by the omnipresent fear of ‘breaking a law’, and the knowledge that the law, once engaged, is devoid of humanity and common sense.  That is why the law is terrifying, and it looms at you from every corner.  Driving down the street I see laws and more laws, and complex laws, and a cognitive load that is way beyond what is reasonable.  I see the effects being to distract and delude the populace into supporting and sustaining the illusion that they are better off than they were 50 years ago, or 100 years ago, or 140,000 years ago.

In some ways, this is obviously true – but I am no longer willing to believe that we are better off as a species.  I have lived free, and life in modern america is nothing like freedom – it is quite the opposite.  It is a collective, tacit minimum security prison, a tyranny of lifestyle and pragmatics.  I can not think of a problem I have had in the last 3 years that was not driven by the western world, the basis of greed, the capitalism of it all – capitalism is not a panacea, it is like anything, sensible in moderation and in doses and places it is good.  Regulation of capitalist markets is not the answer, but there is a role of regulation – creating a framework for negotiation, transaction, and reconciliation of differences for example.  What is not acceptable is the american version of capitalism, where moral decisions are enshrined in a complex web of regulation.

Another place where capitalism does not belong is health care.  It just does not belong there.  I have a deep moral opposition to insurance driven health care – no no no no no no, that is wrong, and deeply so.  We have the shittiest health care in the developed world, and it costs by far the most – the reason is over regulation of capitalism.  There are other motivating factors than greed – we’ve just forgotten that in our collective delusion.

I could, and would, go on and on about this – but I’ve got to go do work to support the capitalism into which I am enshrined.  Soulless, unsatisfying work to pay for my daughter to attend a university, because our high schools suck donkey balls and we would rather spend trillions invading countries or bailing out banks than funding education.  That’s the kind of stuff that just makes me say “fuck you – fuck you all”.

It was okay when I had to just live with you, but now that you’ve shoved your Obamacare fist up my ass, made it illegal for me to pay for health care for my wife, stolen hundreds of hours of my life, and really pushed me over the fucking edge – that’s when it went too far.  Fuck you Barak – just fuck you, you could have allowed freedom to be retained, but you did not – there is no way for me to comply with this law by demonstrating minimal essential coverage – the only way is to show where my money goes, and it must go to one of your approved agencies.  Just come clean and say it that way, you lying, deceitful fuck.

 

 

 

 

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